The Hiding Spot

Wow. Do I stick around long enough  playing the game by the rules   so I can come to a position of power  to change the game? Or is this what everyone says  before they fall slave to the system Victim when disadvantaged,   blind and deaf when privileged What if I forget about the disadvantaged   when I climb to the level of the privileged What if I forget about me   and become the one who oppresses me? How to stay in the game long enough   so I can kick the key players out And is it even worth it? Why do the disadvantaged have to take workshops to learn how to fit in the world of the privileged And when the privileged is suggested to do the same,  they’re immediately offended Why do I have to hide my womanhood  and learn how to be a man To be able to survive in a system  where I’m maybe allowed to do less than I can I'm not supposed to show emotions Because the game is pretending I'm not supposed to be honest   Because the game...

I feel so heavy Yet I struggle to let it down I'm not sure what combination of feelings and thoughts is weighing me down I feel an immense sadness mostly centered between my eyebrows and my eye sockets contract like they want to release the weight but somehow I don't maybe I don't want to accept that I'm sad yet again and so soon and I know the easiest way is right through I don't even know why I'm sad or maybe I wish to have been done by now with being sad about  the things I'm sad about Whenever I feel like this it quickly combines with the hate directed right inwards so I keep looking at older pictures of me with sad nostalgia and pity remembering how miserable I was yet I looked so young and pretty and thin and happy Now I have the real reasons to be sad I look old and weary and my body is giving up completely The way I feel sad about myself doesn't feel compassionate no, not one drop of it It feels like pitying someone I would never want to be. And...