Weekend Blues Matinee

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I feel so heavy
Yet I struggle to let it down
I'm not sure what combination of feelings
and thoughts is weighing me down
I feel an immense sadness
mostly centered between my eyebrows
and my eye sockets contract
like they want to release the weight
but somehow I don't
maybe I don't want to accept that I'm sad
yet again and so soon
and I know the easiest way is right through
I don't even know why I'm sad
or maybe I wish to have been done by now
with being sad about 
the things I'm sad about
Whenever I feel like this
it quickly combines with the hate
directed right inwards
so I keep looking at older pictures of me
with sad nostalgia and pity
remembering how miserable I was
yet I looked so young and pretty and thin and happy
Now I have the real reasons to be sad
I look old and weary
and my body is giving up completely
The way I feel sad about myself doesn't feel compassionate
no, not one drop of it
It feels like pitying someone I would never want to be.
And yet I blame myself. 

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