The Hiding Spot

Breakthrough. Recognition. What do you do after finding out that the feeling you’ve known forever is actually your over and over reoccurring pattern making you chase all the wrong ones for a bunch of breadcrumbs that make you feel worthy for a second but keep you questioning for life. What do you do when you find out what you’ve known as love all this time was just hurting all the ones who could see through you and still loved you just because. How do you tell the person you hurt them a while ago 'cause you thought there's something wrong because they still liked you after all that they found out. How do you tell the person that you thought they were perfect but your compass wasn't correct fueled by the feeling known all your life because it was the loudest one telling you they were the one the feeling you thought was instinct the feeling guided you throughout the same loop over and over and over and over while you went round and round and round and round spiraling back int...

It's like the leaves are dancing for me with every touch of the wind blowing the breath in me. Feels like leaves are dancing for me breathing in, I feel alive breathing out, I feel fine.

I should work. I should go out for a walk. I should move a bit. I should do yoga. I should date new people. I should take ‘me time’. I should text my friends. I should call my parents. I should get up early. I should take care of my plants. I should meditate. I should paint more. I should read more. I should eat healthy. I should quit smoking. I should cut down on alcohol. I should stop biting my nails. I should wash my face. I should take a shower. I should do grocery shopping. I should be nice to people. I should be kind to myself. I should feel better already. I should be fine. I should ask for help. I should be strong. I should be mindful. I should not waste the time. I should talk to my inner child. I should be better at communication. I should set boundaries. I should be understanding. I should be open. I should let myself feel things. I should listen to my needs. I should be aware of my wants. When all I can hear is my shoulds.

Everywhere are your photos in every talk your name comes up in every corner your memory. How am I supposed to not miss you or move on with my life and still have you in it as someone I valued once but now a good friend of mine. In every plan, you might join on any day, you might call but i‘m still supposed to move on then everywhere I look there is you. I still wait for you to come home only to find me procrastinating and say „Aah“ with your „making fun of Özge“ voice „It‘s been a productive day I see!“ I still wait for you to sneak in bed after a long night out though I sleep always early and you come home and cuddle me. I still wait for you to come to my room to check on me and laugh if I‘m still in bed and say that it‘s a good way to spend the time give me a hug and rush to  wherever it is you always went. I still wait for you to come in the evening with a bottle of wine and a delicious recipe to cook you cut the garlic, I cut the onion and we take a sip from the same glass of w...

Is it because you can not create something from nothing That i have to break down in pieces everytime i try