The Hiding Spot

Wow. Do I stick around long enough  playing the game by the rules   so I can come to a position of power  to change the game? Or is this what everyone says  before they fall slave to the system Victim when disadvantaged,   blind and deaf when privileged What if I forget about the disadvantaged   when I climb to the level of the privileged What if I forget about me   and become the one who oppresses me? How to stay in the game long enough   so I can kick the key players out And is it even worth it? Why do the disadvantaged have to take workshops to learn how to fit in the world of the privileged And when the privileged is suggested to do the same,  they’re immediately offended Why do I have to hide my womanhood  and learn how to be a man To be able to survive in a system  where I’m maybe allowed to do less than I can I'm not supposed to show emotions Because the game is pretending I'm not supposed to be honest   Because the game...

I feel so heavy Yet I struggle to let it down I'm not sure what combination of feelings and thoughts is weighing me down I feel an immense sadness mostly centered between my eyebrows and my eye sockets contract like they want to release the weight but somehow I don't maybe I don't want to accept that I'm sad yet again and so soon and I know the easiest way is right through I don't even know why I'm sad or maybe I wish to have been done by now with being sad about  the things I'm sad about Whenever I feel like this it quickly combines with the hate directed right inwards so I keep looking at older pictures of me with sad nostalgia and pity remembering how miserable I was yet I looked so young and pretty and thin and happy Now I have the real reasons to be sad I look old and weary and my body is giving up completely The way I feel sad about myself doesn't feel compassionate no, not one drop of it It feels like pitying someone I would never want to be. And...

Love is like hot dense air surrounding you you breathe it in and it's a warm hug coming in and it holds you on the inside so light and airy but fills you up at the same time until you feel held in every single cell of your body and so you let go with eyes closed and face covered with the biggest smile you let go and trust that you'll be held all around. 

since -I was told- I came into existence I keep rolling down the hills of life in a shiny bubble of an illusion of me hiding with all my wrongness inside until someone bursts it  and all my nothingness comes free. Even at being wrong, I keep failing it's like I'm not even good enough to be bad I'm just an empty bubble of nothingness with all the shiny reflections on the surface of the person I created pretending she is something of matter even my tears are abstract and my wrongness is imagined and I'm so afraid of anyone finding out that I'm just a sad sad collection  of carefully selected pieces of doubt. trying to fit in somewhere again I don't belong how can emptiness take space anyway maybe if I squeeze my non-existence enough It'll fit into someone's life full of joy with definitely no space for me and maybe this time I can come alive in someone else's loving presence.  If someone real loves me, it means I'm real, too, right?

Free falling, But I have wings. How did I get them? When did that happen? I've fallen before, I've fallen many times, With no wings, though, And I hit the ground, Got up, Climbed back up, And I fell again, Hit the ground again, Harder every time. This time I am back up, I slowly floated up here, And I got wings in the meantime. Did I draw them for myself, Or did they appear when I was ready? I don’t know how, But I have them, These giant angelic wings, In any color, one can imagine, And transparent all around. I see through them, And they see through me. I feel like I had them before, Before I was taught that there is no space for me in this world, And for my magic, And that’s when I first fell down, And hit the ground, I crawled, I cried, I screamed, I hid, And I begged for someone to pick me up, Carry me anywhere but down, And waited and waited and waited. When no one came, I fell even harder, Down through all these grounds that I thought did not exist, Every time there’s bee...

I have nails bitten down to the skin I have arms scratched until they bleed I have a frown, settled on my face and a fog that covers my eyes I have restless legs and I would cry screaming if I try to stay still until they rest I have a chest closed in and a back bent like a convex trying to protect my heart that carries the pain of years and generations I have a body made from fear and a head full of worry I have all my mothers to thank for that, they shouldered all that they have to bring me out in this world so loud and scary that my body is weary from pretending to stand still and smile to have my chest up and open like I am brave enough to love and live but meanwhile my head is full, my head is heavy my nails and my skin are bleeding my face is drawn into so many little areas of worry and my eyes are hiding a pain my shoulders can no longer carry.

Some feel the pain of their ancestors I do, too. Well, kind of. I feel the pain, that's true but not so long back. I feel the pain of my grandmother,  who was given away to the village on the mountain across,  to serve a man,  to give birth to men, to be ruled by the mother of the man, to be worked so relentlessly,  that her back broke,  and her soul, her eyes fixed on the mountain across longing for what was once home.  still they buried her on the wrong mountain and said she's at least now home.  I feel the pain of my grandmother who never learned to read anything else than the Kuran that kept her half sane never learned how to write anything other than her name and that from her grandchildren aged ten who didn't understand there was a limit and taught her the whole summer everything they can. I feel the pain of my grandmother who worked in the fields of corn, potatoes, and cabbage and kept her home who cooked, cleaned, and cared for all the six men ...

I feel alone. I feel even more in crowds. I feel like there isn't much I can give, and all I need is to take.  I feel no interest, I feel no strength to ask, just existing, and watching the people in awe asking each other questions desperately wanting to connect and to share with anyone who listens. I feel like I have to listen to so many voices in my head already, that I have no ear left for anyone else,  and I've not even ever asked. I feel so tired, and I feel like everyone sees it, my face literally shapeshifts with sadness,  but somehow no one asks. How come no one asks? I feel alone in the crowds,  more than I've ever felt. I feel alone in these crowds, looking at them and feeling invisible talking to them and feeling unhearable. I open my mouth and all these screams are coming out,  yet no one hears a thing. How come no one hears? I feel alone in the sea of happy chit-chats of the crowd, the crowd, that once was family, the crowd once I cared about, the c...

So much hate don’t know where it’s from I look in my own eyes, my own eyes penetrate my soul, but can’t even see what’s behind such a hard hard shell and my eyes pierce through my heart and shatter it into thousand pieces. It’s like I’m the villain in my own body so much evil these eyes hold so much hate these eyes throw like spears ripping through the soul that is my own spears tearing, spears slashing the soul of an innocent child the soul of my own, crying wondering what she did wrong Oh my poor innocent child Oh my pure, innocent child.

You remind me of softness and hard of safety and threat,  of patience when I run of joy when I forget you remind me of all the things that are light and fun when I'm stuck under all the heavy and done.  You remind me of hope when I run out of all that is bright you make my heart go so soft that it fires a deafening call to arms and there come running all my pain and anger and fears when all it needs is you soothing my tears. You give me courage in all that we go through you give me faith in the darkness I fall through You give me all the hope you've got when I can't see a way through You remind me of all the things my heart forgot and the warmest of feelings you wrap me into you feel me and I feel you you hold me and I feel you and that's my love that's the wonder of you.