life by association

since -I was told- I came into existence

I keep rolling down the hills of life

in a shiny bubble of an illusion of me

hiding with all my wrongness inside

until someone bursts it 

and all my nothingness comes free.

Even at being wrong, I keep failing

it's like I'm not even good enough to be bad

I'm just an empty bubble of nothingness

with all the shiny reflections on the surface

of the person I created

pretending she is something of matter

even my tears are abstract

and my wrongness is imagined

and I'm so afraid of anyone finding out

that I'm just a sad sad collection 

of carefully selected pieces of doubt.

trying to fit in somewhere again I don't belong

how can emptiness take space anyway

maybe if I squeeze my non-existence enough

It'll fit into someone's life full of joy

with definitely no space for me

and maybe this time I can come alive

in someone else's loving presence. 

If someone real loves me, it means I'm real, too, right?