The Hiding Spot

What is it up there it's shining and it's not it's like a starry night thought it's always the sun. maybe hiding back somewhere scared to come out and shine cause it's seen and heard and felt and went through so very much pain disappointment anger misery and then numb all the way numb hiding back there scared to shine so that's all you get now a happy starry night for you to cuddle under for you to see in his eyes and fall and fall and fall deep into his eyes his arms his starry nights ever scared to show ever scared to feel ever scared to tell but bold enough to love go on then just fall let fall hoping that he hates being so scared, too but can't help falling in love with you.

Every single time starting with the same hope a little sun starts shining everytime someone new's arriving the hope of change the hope to change the hope to love the hope to belong every single time you hope to get to know them better them you better and the hope keeps it alive until the point is reached that you can never avoid you love them they love you -still don't feel like you belong- -or fit in in whatsoever way- but you love them and happy that they do you with the biggest fear hiding behind and knowing that from this point on nothing good is left to find. 

Full with wonder but known forever like it's supposed to do as you do be as you are be where we are at the start line and already feels ahead with thousand steps to take to never complete the ride but I already know that you'll be the one -I need- and the one I want for many many many steps ahead and above with everything we do and that's the wonder of you.

One step too much, thousands too little. One step further, thousands behind. Everybody knows so do I that you don't let go one thing you find. Everybody hurts so do I though I keep knowing and you're still blind. hold on wanna go home hold on you're my home. trying to hold on with nothing to hold on to with noone to hold on to trying to hold on all alone been so long still so far trying to hold on all alone can't go on no more. hold on wanna go home hold on you're my home.

Stuck in a loop  that's you stuck in all my patterns that made my way to you.

 Is it a feeling? Is it a fact? Is it schizophrenic or do you just react to just knowing deep down inside that once in the life the days are bright and what's been right -all along- well, it's just arrived. It's not a feeling it's a fact you stop hurrying and accept the fact that once in the life you don't have to act you don't have to ask it's simply over there for you to grab. It once was a feeling it once was a hope hiding up up above now it's a fact there to grab the thing called love.

A star goes up and everything starts again. a new light, a new star and you- hoping to be reborn hoping to restart everytime a star goes up your core starts waking up hoping to be reborn with a brand new seed full with life hoping to bloom this time but the star keeps going up and up and up and then down completing its full cycle a full circle and the cracks start cracking leaking the dark in creeping in at every cycle and you- in the center of your loop in the center of your circle and the dark leaks out then the dark leaks in you hope to keep it longer this time but it keeps creeping in some days taking over some days just leaking in -breathing in- leaking out -breathing out- the star completes its cycle and so do you hoping to be reborn next time fully aware that dark will be, too.

I find myself going around and around the same patterns of life the same patterns of love thinking this time it‘s different ending up in the same miserable  pattern of mine. Only thing I need a good old letting letting out letting go letting myself fall in and out. The same pattern every time The same person in different disguise but in the core it‘s the same misery it's the same torture. Priorities I should make them mine I should make mine me I should put mine in front and stop giving stop caring just stop. Decisions took a lot of courage. One big move to let everything out but  with everything there goes every bit of you. Can‘t even let it out anymore Otherwise can‘t stop  It‘ll all flow out it‘ll all flood everything I build everything I try to keep standing everything I have everything of me  every little part will just flow out until there‘s nothing left. Or is there something left? Don‘t know what‘s right anymore just know everything‘s wrong and in every move ...

Everything becomes a memory if you wait long enough. What is long enough? You don’t think it’s that short until you realize long enough is not even a day long, a month long, or a year long. Maybe that’s when you realize that long enough is shorter than a lifetime or a lifetime is so short now that a day is long enough but a year passes as fast as one. You just stop paying attention, and a year passes by. and everything from today becomes a memory. Everything that was today is now a year ago. Everything becomes a memory, every moment you enjoy by yourself every second long laugh you share with friends every tear you shed for someone all become a memory. Friends become memories The one you thought was the one becomes a memory Your Festungsblick becomes a memory. Even though you take a second to pay attention to enjoy it to take it all in. The day will come soon enough that everything you feel everything you think you see you love you learn you enjoy e...

What do I want from this, what do I expect? Am i too scared to want things that I didn‘t expect? Why can‘t I just keep doing what I do moving on and on with little breaks at places with hearts in it that do not mind me being a wanderer me being in the process of healing of leaving of knowing that I‘ll never be healed and never stay. Do I even want this? Or is it just a short break for my inside to heal when my outside is wrecked?

All has changed All is still the same. all that i‘ve been all that i‘ve had and all that I‘ve loved all, I left behind. it was all me, all you, all us, and all of our lives. now all that‘s left from me to you is nothing at all. all moved on, all learned how to. now i am beyond beyond all their lives, beyond all what once was mine and beyond all what once I loved. It almost feels like I took a jump forward but fell right back to the old old times before I‘ve met them all and now i am the one, the one left behind behind of all the lives I‘ve lived and all the loves I‘ve loved while they live all new and they love all new and they have all new. It almost feels like I jumped to a universe where no one‘s ever lived the past with me and no one‘s ever loved anyone called me and I am the only one who remembers. my past froze in time me in a universe of all new of all unknown and they‘ve kept going on. They‘ve learnt how to keep going on and how to...