The Hiding Spot

never known how to speak to a child never been spoken to as one never heard the things that I now have to speak back to a child who’s been long gone. I now have to assure the child she’s loved I now have to tell her I’m here lacking the words to put emotions into lacking the memories to relate to while she’s crying in the corner of my head waiting patiently for me to come over to talk to her and give her the love she’s been desparately trying to scrape from surfaces of rough bodies with no possible way into the loving soul she’s been craving that noone else came close to.  It’s time to learn how to speak to the child and tell her all the things she’s never heard hoping she won’t cry any longer and stop trying to break through the hard shells of clueless hearts going tender it’s time to soothe her confused soul and tell her all the things I’ve never heard hoping she will grow up to be someone other than me and she will grow into someone better than me.

Breakthrough. Recognition. What do you do after finding out that the feeling you’ve known forever is actually your over and over reoccurring pattern making you chase all the wrong ones for a bunch of breadcrumbs that make you feel worthy for a second but keep you questioning for life. What do you do when you find out what you’ve known as love all this time was just hurting all the ones who could see through you and still loved you just because. How do you tell the person you hurt them a while ago 'cause you thought there's something wrong because they still liked you after all that they found out. How do you tell the person that you thought they were perfect but your compass wasn't correct fueled by the feeling known all your life because it was the loudest one telling you they were the one the feeling you thought was instinct the feeling guided you throughout the same loop over and over and over and over while you went round and round and round and round spiraling back int...

It's like the leaves are dancing for me with every touch of the wind blowing the breath in me. Feels like leaves are dancing for me breathing in, I feel alive breathing out, I feel fine.

I should work. I should go out for a walk. I should move a bit. I should do yoga. I should date new people. I should take ‘me time’. I should text my friends. I should call my parents. I should get up early. I should take care of my plants. I should meditate. I should paint more. I should read more. I should eat healthy. I should quit smoking. I should cut down on alcohol. I should stop biting my nails. I should wash my face. I should take a shower. I should do grocery shopping. I should be nice to people. I should be kind to myself. I should feel better already. I should be fine. I should ask for help. I should be strong. I should be mindful. I should not waste the time. I should talk to my inner child. I should be better at communication. I should set boundaries. I should be understanding. I should be open. I should let myself feel things. I should listen to my needs. I should be aware of my wants. When all I can hear is my shoulds.

Everywhere are your photos in every talk your name comes up in every corner your memory. How am I supposed to not miss you or move on with my life and still have you in it as someone I valued once but now a good friend of mine. In every plan, you might join on any day, you might call but i‘m still supposed to move on then everywhere I look there is you. I still wait for you to come home only to find me procrastinating and say „Aah“ with your „making fun of Özge“ voice „It‘s been a productive day I see!“ I still wait for you to sneak in bed after a long night out though I sleep always early and you come home and cuddle me. I still wait for you to come to my room to check on me and laugh if I‘m still in bed and say that it‘s a good way to spend the time give me a hug and rush to  wherever it is you always went. I still wait for you to come in the evening with a bottle of wine and a delicious recipe to cook you cut the garlic, I cut the onion and we take a sip from the same glass of w...

Is it because you can not create something from nothing That i have to break down in pieces everytime i try

Li ke a sunburn hurts like hell but still wanna keep it as a memory of all the good times of all our sunny days Like a sunburn hurts right now but i know  it‘ll go away and i‘ll still miss it.

The day is bright and the birds are flying don't remember where it was from but now that I know they said it for a reason I can see it clearly that the day is bright and the birds are flying high up and above the very top of my head high up and above as high as my mind can get high up and free high up and above above all my worries above all my being above all this gravity that's pulling me down pulling you down heavier it gets with every new worry heavier it gets as the day rolls by heavier and heavier gravity pulls me down the heavier it gets the stronger it pulls down and in. don't know how it's possible to look anywhere but down when you're crushed under all the heaviness pushing you down and the gravity pulling you in and then one second you roll around one second only you take your eyes from the  deep dark dirt you're going under one second's enough and you look up the day is bright and the birds are flying you look up high up and above the birds are f...

Oh my fucking darling what a pleasure knowing you through all this pain you put me through. What a luck it is, loving you makes me question myself and never you. makes me high makes me delusional, makes me unable to tell a dream from true Oh my fucking darling, what a high you make me feel now after all the pain you’ve put me through.

It is so easy to get caught up in the flowing days of life and not realize if anything needs to be tended inside, staying forever afloat in the stream and forever feeling lost. It is because everything is amazingly dynamic. We are mostly taught that the goal in life is to reach a steady, stable, static state -the ultimate state-, in which we hold a secure job, a small family and a little house. And then, we grow up -or try to- and realize that we are at the age our parents reached their ultimate state and that we are so far away from anything that resembles stability. We first reach the age they got married. My mom did when she was 24. I’ve reached that age -a long time ago- and passed it almost as quickly as I reached it. Then comes the age when they had kids. My mom had us when she was 30. Phew! Luckily, I’m still not that far… Close, though. Is it even possible for me anymore to reach and successfully pass all these milestones in the couple of years I have left till the doom’s...